Our baby girl’s first choking cry breaks the brief silence. I look to my wife with tears welling in my eyes, and see on her face relief and exhaustion.

She reaches for my hand, I take hers and smile.

“We did it”

The nurse cleans off the baby and wraps her in a blanket, then starts making her way toward my wife’s side.

But before she takes more than two steps there’s a loud POOF and an explosion of smoke spirals up out of the floor, coalescing into a tall, handsome figure impeccably dressed in a perfectly tailored pinstripe suit.

We all in the room are taken aback. The figure, his face angular and striking, turns to regard us all, eventually settling on me. His mouth widens into a huge, toothy grin.

“Well well well... Redvent Bard, it has been a long time. What a man you’ve become!”

I stand slack-jawed and can not more than mutter a feeble

“Wha...?”

The pinstriped man grins, somehow, even wider. With elegance and poise he steps forward to stand across the bed from me.

“Why... you don’t remember? It’s me! The devil! You signed my contract lad! You owe me your firstborn!”

My gaping mouth continues to gape

“Wha...?”

I sense something. Something coming from down below. Something powerful. Something dangerous.

“YOU DID WHAT!?!?!”

My wife screeches as her motherly-instinct-strengthened fist explodes into my cheek. I felt it coming, but not even my foresight could have saved me from the impact. Such was the velocity and force with which it is delivered.

“MY GOOD LADY!”

Proclaims the devil as my wife attempts to disentangle herself from the stirrups so as to better get at me. She turns, slowly. Her head twisting on its axis with a manic expression plastered across her face.

“I’m sorry” she expresses through the clenched teeth of a smile that tells everyone in the room to back away slowly “did you want to explain to me why you think you will be taking my daughter from me?”

The devil, now clearly seeing he has overstepped a boundary, attempts to backpedal whilst sweat begins to pool across his forehead.

“Well, y-you see. Um. The ahhh... clause 27 of the ummm... purchase of er, purchase um... iPhone... 2012 contract... er... fine print you see”

At once my brain clicks. Gone is the drooling fool (though my drool had in fact pooled by the stool over which I nearly did fall as I ungraciously did back-pedal). A contract from 2012? The small print? I signed my firstborn over to the devil?

“YOU SCAM ARTIST!” My wife and I both screech at the top of our lungs. Without missing a beat she swivels to face me.

“Get him.”

That is my call to action. Every fibre of my being responds. Such is my motivation that not even arousal could trump it. I activate my Sharingan and scissor kick the devil’s head while balancing delicately over my shortly-previously-pregnant wife.

But alas, where my lightning fast attack lands there is no devil. His Moku Moku no Mi devil fruit powers have manifested and he has vanished into a puff of smoke.

No mere Logia user can match the Sharingan however.

My crimson eyes follow his movements with precision, and exactly upon reappearing I launch a barrage of powerful punches at him.

“CONSECUTIVE NORMAL PUNCHES!”

I compulsively shout as I perform my technique, blasting away the entire side of the hospital. Behind me my wife shouts in dismay, scolding me.

“Watch the baby Redvent Bard!”

I turn to save my daughter, but my wife is far ahead of me. She is floating comfortably with our little one in her arms, hair aflame with golden light and lifted to the sky by the great expression of her power.

“I’m in no shape to deal with this u/Broken-Heroes” she says to me while stroking the little one’s tiny cheek.

“Don’t worry. I’ve got this”

The devil reappears not a moment later. But now riding astride an enormous lizard he must have summoned. Entire building blocks are tumbling under its weight. With an enormous roar it leaps toward me, but I am ready.

As I land my hands touch the ground and my mighty alchemy erupts forth, skewering the massive beast in the neck and heart with spears of earth.

The devil leaps toward me, his lightsaber ignited and dreadful bolts of lightning streaking in my direction. An evil cackle escapes his lips as I draw my Dragonbone blade and meet his strike.

“FUS-ROH-DAH!”

The devil nimbly dodges my voice and spins about in a backhand strike, but only a fool engages an Uchiha in melee combat. Again I meet his blade, but this time I push into his attacks, pressuring him and forcing him back.

Again and again he resorts to disappearing in smoke to evade my blows. Alas, that is his downfall.

With my mighty kryptonian lungs I huff him down in one great gulp.

Inside my iron belly I hear a small voice squeak

”Who the fuck are you people?”